I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
