You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
