I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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