Your mouth is God's brothel.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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