...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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