Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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