I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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