My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
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The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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