before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
