the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
