I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I pour the whiskey from now on
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
