Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize
