I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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