"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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