I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
