my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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