Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
