I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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