his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
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Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
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Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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