You made me cry and you don't even care
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
