She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize