i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
