They should really pass out barf bags in church
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
