I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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