I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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