No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
