I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
