You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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