Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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