I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I just found a bag of teeth...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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