And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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