i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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