She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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