dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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