I just cut my nipple shaving
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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