what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
