I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
