I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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