party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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