this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
