I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Houston, we have a squirter
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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