you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
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My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
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He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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