I am in a vortex of obligation.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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