My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
