Already got asked if we're dating
You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
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She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
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I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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