Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
