How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
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her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
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ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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