im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
