i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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