She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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