I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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