the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
