Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Someone came in the potted fern
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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