My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
