I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
