Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
