i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
