I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
